Okay, guys, this one has got me climbing the walls with anxiety.  The US Air Force Research Laboratory is developing a rash of new surveillance and attack robots, varying in size from a swallow to a  FLY.  These things sneak, stalk, sense, spy, and SHPLAZAAAM explode on enemy combatants.  Thanks to the ever-vigilant Agent Elemento P for pointing out this article in Esquire (and how dapper of you to be reading Esquire, P), and check out the crazy animated demo vid it links to.

These lil’ BUGGERS, charmingly nicknamed “Suburb Warriors” are a great way to fight terrorists without collateral damage, and hey, what’s better than that.  As Esquire says, “Instead of dropping Hellfires or a 500-pound bomb on an insurgent hideout, one or more Suburb Warriors could fire a volley of mini-missiles at confirmed targets, without vaporizing the wedding reception next door.”  But what’s going to keep me up tonight, and for many nights to follow, is the fear of these palm-sized cuties falling into the wrong hands.  Like maybe hands that can bring them to life and turn them on humanity?  The struggle against terror will look like a beach vollyball game if that happens. Because, as the Esquire article concludes: “You can run from tomorrow’s robotic hitmen, and you can hide, and they’ll flap or squirm or glide into position and kill you anyway.”

This video  just came online a few hours ago, origin point: Berlin.

I ran the text through a translator app and got this:
“Have finally the traffic in the north of Berlin observed for my bachelor thesis (Automated identification of structures in the transport and far-reaching effect on the transport network in Northern Germany). Normally, very boring, but you look at this. My camera has totally gespinnt thereafter. The part was huge!”

I don’t know what “gespinnt” means, but he’s right, the “part” was effing huge!!  It looks to me like that car actually TURNED INTO a bot.  The physics just seem…impossible.  Unless the Germans have invented some kind of morphing technology…or maybe learned it from aliens.  Either way, here’s what worries me: if robots can hide IN PLAIN SIGHT, we’ll NEVER see it coming!  We could all be surrounded by bots right now.  What if this computer I’m using suddenly transforms into a killer cyber-organism because it doesn’t like what I’m typing???  Yeeesh!

Over the last few days we’ve had sightings CAUGHT ON TAPE in North and South America, Africa, Europe, Australia, and Asia — that’s SIX out of seven continents (and they’ve probably shown up in Antarctica but there’s no one there on vacation to capture them on video).  Obviously, they’re becoming less and less concerned with remaining hidden.  Which means they’re more and more concerned with something else — their mission to dominate earth!

I know I speak for Leo and Sharsky when I say, fear not TRED-heads, we are ON this!  Do NOT freak out.  I repeat, do NOT freak out.  You’ll probably feel better with a little retail therapy.  Maybe you should order something online.  You could, I don’t know, maybe get a t-shirt or a hat.  Hey, why not get something with the TRED logo?  (Sorry for the hard sell.  Leo says we’re “not going to make our numbers for this quarter” and we’re already in the planning stages of a BIG MOVE — more on that soon.)

Yo, TRED-heads, thanks to our dedicated detective Agent Elemento P, we’ve got another spine-tingler here for you.  Watch this video of new robot cop technology — the action starts at :44 seconds in, and tell me you don’t get chills.  (The dramatic score helps.)

These Real Effing Robo Cops are smoother than C3PO, lighter than the Terminator, and WAY MORE DEADLY than Wall-E.  (They’re not as cute, either.)  Just seeing the second robodude surrounded by all those flesh and blood humans is nerve-wracking — I keep waiting for him to go rogue and take out an entire marketplace in one 360-degree discharge of his machine gun appendage.

And what of those little guys in the woods?  They seem like toys, but I bet they’re the MOST deadly — it’s all about the element of surprise, right?  One of those little buggers could slip into your garage unnoticed and hide behind the lawn mower.  I’m just sayin’.

When this planet finally gets itself together, we can use these human-controlled robot snipers to defend against alien invaders.  Nothing  like some Earth-robot-on-alien-robot action.  But stay alert TRED- ers, because these “cute” Robo-killers MUST NOT FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS!

Check out these incredible pics taken in Perth, Australia and posted on Flickr.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

It looks like it MOVED from one pic to the other.  Am I losing it?  Please tell me it’s just a crane.  A water tower!  (A water tower in the water?  Please just humor me, TRED-heads.)  I know, maybe it’s an oil well– yes, it must be an oil well.  A giant, flexible, multi-jointed, living oil well.  It is certainly NOT an alien robot, right?. . . BUT WAIT — there’s more—-

Because just as I was about to crawl under the covers, drink some soothing hot chocolate, and watch the latest episode of Attack of the Show on DVR to get my mind off it all, I found THIS pic, also from Australia, this one in Sydney:

Now I know it’s called Down Under, but I didn’t think they were referring to the location of a duel between two Unidentified Fighting  Objects. Can someone PLEASE tell me what they see below that  bridge? Or should I just have my mom call the men in the white coats  to take me away now, and tell Sharkatron to find a new roomie for freshman year?

People, people, PEOPLE! What are you thinking? The Japanese are about to entrust the care of their elderly to these ROBOTS? Talk about feeding people to the lions. And really, what’s that shebot got underneath her skirt? Japan, we need to talk.

robots crazy cray

Holy effing crap! Check out these photos that arrived in my inbox this morning from the same “X” that sent me that first pic of what looks to me like a giant effing robots. The Fassinator (SO glad I hired him) hacked the file and found a GPS time/date stamp that PROVES it was shot on the same effing day as the Mission City “Incident” just a few miles from the epicenter of the event. This is NOT a hoax, people. We just cracked this bs wide open! Looks like this giant alien robot sucka got mega-hurt in the battle and had to stop off for some recharging at some kind of power plant.

HEY MAINSTREAM MEDIA: You can contact Leo Ponce de Leon Spitz at The Real Effing Deal for interviews.

More pictures below!